Fighting Microaggressions with Curiosity
Microaggressions happen when somebody says or does something subtly insulting to someone else. The people that have to endure microaggressions the most usually belong to marginalized communities in race, sexual orientation, etc. Noticing microaggressions for what they are can be tricky because sometimes people say or do these hurtful things unintentionally. We are saturated with preconceptions about different groups of people based on our agents of socialization. So much so that some people might, for example, habitually or even subconsciously move farther away and hide their purses when a black person enters an elevator. Another example could even be a question like, “how did you turn gay?”
Microaggressions can pop up anywhere – including during work meetings. Some people might be left out of decision-making as their voices are chronically muffled. This makes the workplace a tough place to work for the people that might have just the idea you need. Constant exposure to this negative energy can make anyone depressed and/or anxious. This blog post is meant to give you a few strategies for handling microaggressions when you inevitably see them in your workplace, on the street, and even coming from the people you love.
Let me first start by saying that there is no one right way to deal with co-workers’ rude behavior towards marginalized groups. However, one general mindset to approach difficult conversations with is one of genuine curiosity. This means calling someone in rather than calling someone out. For example, if your coworker says something dismissive about homosexuals, approach with authentic curiosity by asking them “What do you mean by that?” This allows you to stay neutral and avoid premature conflict. Sometimes, the aggressor will take it back immediately by saying something like, “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Even if the aggressor doesn’t apologize and chooses to stick to their guns, this initial tactic of asking something like “I don’t understand. Where are you coming from?” can give you time to think about what you’re going to say next.
The next step to calling someone in is appealing to their values, principles, and better selves. Saying something like “I know you really care about fairness and justice. When you say that about [colleague], it doesn’t seem in line with who you are” is a good step forward. People will do a lot to prove those that think highly of them right; they’ll even change their behavior for the better to make it match other people’s good-natured opinions.
The next step is connecting with them. For example, let’s imagine that your uncle says “I don’t get why those dang Native Americans are so pissed off about Thanksgiving. I just wanna drink my beer and eat my turkey. This is America.” An appropriate thing for you to say to connect with your uncle could be “Yeah, I love my beer and turkey, just as much as I love America! AND in my experience with Native Americans, I can totally see where they’re coming from…” In this example, you are acknowledging your uncle rather than going straight to shaming him or disagreeing with him. Notice the bolded ‘and’ in the example. Saying ‘but’ would be bad because then you’re taking sides. This technique is very disarming and it definitely should not make you the bad guy. Invoking the curious mindset again, you could say, “I don’t know! That’s a good question, Uncle. Let’s look it up!” and then proceed to research on your all-knowing pocket device why Thanksgiving might be controversial. Then, whatever arguments you bring up, you will simply be a neutral messenger with an appetite for learning and empathizing as you lead by example.
Confronting people about their bigotry does not have to be scary as long as you are genuinely curious and engaged. If there is an undertone of dismissal in your voice, or you are too mad to call the aggressor in with the best of intentions, do not use these techniques just yet. Let time pass and calm down. Sometimes waiting and coming back to talk about something that happened earlier is a wise choice.
